Recently I asked for advice in finding a wife. Most of the responses I got were sympathetic and helpful, but three stood out to me as counter-productive and pointless.
- “Looking now? You should have started when you were 18!”
Not really, no. You did not know me at the age of 18. While ideally at the age of 18 I’d have been in a position where it made sense to look seriously for a wife, speaking practically I was very much not.
Do I regret not being in such a position? Yes, obviously. But I am where I am now, and that’s what I need to deal with, so if you have useful advice, that would be great.
2. “Actively looking for a wife? You’re doing it wrong. Focus on your mission and if a woman doesn’t want to join you on that mission, drop them.”
Comments like this are a misread of my personality at best. First off, the reason I am asking now is that I AM focused on my mission before God. I work full time, with a respectable job and respectable salary, and in my free time I focus on creating art and improving myself. I take my religion extremely seriously as well. In what way am I not focused on my mission?
Maybe I’m focusing on the wrong thing. I should be “asking if a woman wants to join me on the mission!” Except, great, I’m back to square one? Where am I finding women to ask? How do I approach them? What should I be doing? Where should I be going?
This sort of thing simply does not come naturally to me; if I seriously dedicated NO time and NO effort to finding a wife and just “focused on the mission” I would simply never speak to anyone because I’m that naturally introverted.
So please; where do I approach women to ask if they want to join me? How should I speak to them? Dress, act, approach, all of that fun stuff. Because “just focus on you” isn’t going to work, and now you’re just back to giving me normal advice like I originally asked for.
3. “Why are you searching for a wife? Shouldn’t you only be getting married if you’re burning with lust for another person? Isn’t it better not to be married?”
I get it. I read the Epistles too. I’ve thought long and hard about this; you apparently don’t agree with the conclusion I’ve come to. In that case, your option is easy: Don’t give me advice, but my mind is made up. I’m going to search. We’ll debate Paul at Bible study.
Every time these things have been said to me people have meant well, but I thought it needed to be said.