Speaking as an average man among fellow average men, the idea that the average man – ESPECIALLY the average Christian – is picky about women is completely absurd. I don’t need to look up statistics to back this up. I’m telling you right now, it is an utterly ridiculous thing to think. Speaking for myself alone, my baseline for the sort of person I’d be willing to date – that is, consider marrying – is extremely broad. Age between 19 and 25, maybe 26, hair color irrelevant, height irrelevant, weight anywhere from slightly overweight (just slightly) to thin, chest size more or less irrelevant (I have my preferences because I’m a guy, but this would not be a dealbreaker with an otherwise pretty girl).
Education irrelevant, money irrelevant, living place irrelevant unless it’s particularly stupid (live with your parents fine, live with your ex/with a random dude who is “just living with you, nothing’s going on” no thanks).
What exactly am I looking for? Ah, here’s the rub. My standards probably WOULD be called picky despite all of this, because I would only date:
- Somebody who is against premarital sex and has no kids, or – in a very rare, very specific, extreme situation, where both sides are thoroughly confident of the relationship going forward and how it should progress – a widow. This probably sounds strange to you, so before you jump down my throat, hear me out below.
- A Christian at LEAST, a Catholic preferably, or at least Orthodox
- A weekly churchgoer who makes Mass/service a priority
- Anti-abortion. This is the mother of all dealbreakers. I don’t consider people who are pro-murder.
- Somebody who doesn’t froth at the mouth when they hear the word “Trump”
- Somebody who takes their faith seriously, AKA, is not a leftist. Nobody who wants to live the faith as actually commanded by God can be a leftist.
- Is not a land whale.
- If a Protestant, is not opposed to living a Catholic centered lifestyle, e.g. the children are raised Catholic, no contraception.
- A marital debit is acknowledged. Verbally acknowledges that she would have sex with me on a frequent basis and when asked.
- No kids, widow or no
- Does not self identify as feminist
When push comes to shove I’d probably be stricter than this and might be missing something, so if you find yourself gasping at some obvious dealbreaker I missed, it probably is a dealbreaker and I forgot to mention it.
Dalrock has pointed out that a little feminism in a young women is basically impossible to avoid. What’s important is how she reacts to the more conservative Christian ideals. Does she recoil in disgust, or is she willing to hear you out and attempt to come to terms with your beliefs? As a bonus this will tell you how willing she would be to listen to you overall.
Here’s the thing: For the AVERAGE Christian, most of what I said should probably have you saying “duh”. If you have some problem with something I wrote: Take a good long look at the compromises you are willing to make to yourself and God.
And remember – these are the broad things, stuff that I would try and figure out at least by the first date, or bare minimum in the first 3. Why not just “a virgin”, flat out? Because it’s an unusually personal question to ask within the first couple of dates. Rest assured that if I learn my date is not a virgin, that would be grounds for out immediately.
Again, you are probably looking at some of what I wrote – living situation, debt, education – as red flags. I’m not saying that stuff isn’t important, I’m saying it wouldn’t disqualify a get-to-know-you date.
Okay. Long prelude. So why did I write all of this?
Because women – Christian and otherwise – are lying to themselves.
There are good Christian gentlemen – men, with an e, as in there are multiple men out there – who are perfectly willing to date and marry good Christian women. You are lying if you are saying these people are not around or don’t exist or you’re only finding men who try to “bait and switch” you. Lying to yourself perhaps, but lying.
Be honest: What you really men is that there are no good Christian men out there who you actually find attractive enough to consider dating.
The dating system is ahistorical. It’s what we have, but you should not assume its rules in advance. Men approaching first is not the “traditional” way to go! It’s the way the current dating system assumes is traditional. If there are shy, quiet men who nevertheless go to Church every day, absolutely nothing stops, or should stop, Christian women from approaching them first. No rule is being broken and nothing bad is inherently baked into this approach.
I know what you want to say. “What sort of man is too afraid to approach a woman? Are they the sort of man who would make a good husband? Why are you trying to push the onus off of you/make excuses?”
Stop, woman. Stop doing that and think for a moment about what you just said. You, hypothetical woman, just proved my point. You are willing to leave potentially God-fearing, Churchgoing Christian men behind because of personal hangups and assumptions you have made, assumptions that may or may not be true, that you can’t know aren’t true, because you are actively making the choice not to try.
“But men should still have enough courage and self esteem too – ”
Stop. We are discussing you, not men. Stop blaming men for your issues. If you cannot find good Christian men, then you yourself have hangups you need to deeply consider. Let the men worry about their issues. They are not relevant to what you should be doing.
Think about what my criteria actually boils down to. Essentially, I would be willing to date – not marry, but potentially vet further to see if a woman would make a good match for marriage, which is all that dating
is should be – a young woman who takes reasonably good care of her body and goes to Church weekly, to the point that she appears to be taking her faith seriously. I’d go on a couple of dates if you proved that you really are serious about your faith and don’t have deepseated, unresolved personal issues. That’s really it.
If your criteria is narrower than that, that is actually fine! Just stop whining. The good men don’t want to hear it.
A public service announcement from Malcolm the Cynic.