Something That Bugs Me

So I was discussing things with a friend and remembered reading an article about how romantic attraction was a choice. I couldn’t remember where I first read it, but after a quick Google I found it here. And against my better judgment – and it was my better judgment, believe me – I got sucked into some of the articles.

I sound harsh. The blog actually isn’t that bad at all. There’s some good stuff there – like the article I previously linked. But articles like this piss me off – basically an article trying to be an advertisement for online dating.

Instead, my options could very likely be “marry a man who is right for me and lives far away vs. not get married at all.”

And that was when I rethought my willingness to move.

I will grant that there are some people who cannot relocate for a relationship. Yes, I’m looking at you, Mr. or Ms. Children At Home Part Time. I have yet to encounter a situation that I believe would justify moving away from a minor child. Others may have similar responsibilities that they legitimately can’t leave. But beyond that, I’m not sure there are a whole lot of ironclad reasons to insist on staying put.

My family, friends, and job are all here.

You say,  “But my family is here.  My friends are here!  My job is here!  I love my gym! I don’t want to give all of that up.” Of course you don’t. Neither do I. I live in God’s country. I have built a very successful business here. I live near my brothers and sisters, whom I love. But would I give all of that up for a happy marriage to the right man? I’m pretty sure I would.

See, I find this insulting. It implies that the reason I won’t search the country and move 300 miles away to marry the woman of my dreams is because I don’t value marriage enough. But there is a much, much simpler reason:

I can’t.

Let’s go through the hypotheticals here.

Let’s say, using this site, I find a wonderful woman who lives, oh, forty hours away by car. We get to know each other, through skype and online. We get along well!

Now the time has come to meet her in person. I could either:

A) Take a plane. Hundreds of dollars at least


B) Take a car. That’s money lost I could be making at work, money lost in gas, and a hell of a lot of time lost, including money spent at a motel. We’re talking hundreds of dollars again probably.

And what am I going to do? Say hi, grab a cup of coffee, and leave?

Spend a weekend together?

All right. What if we don’t click?

This isn’t entirely hypothetical. I actually know flesh and blood people who have talked to folks online, chatted, skyped, had seemingly great chemistry…then went on a single date and decided it was not to be. And it wasn’t a bad deal for them, because they were within driving distance of each other, and I mean a day trip where you’re back home in time to watch the ballgame.

Articles like this are telling me to take this sort of chance on a person I have never met in person because maybe, one day, I’ll be so in love with them I’d be willing to uproot my entire life and move next to them.

And what if the one date goes well? That date wasn’t cheap, right? How rich exactly does Catholicmatch think people are? When will the next date be, another three months? Six? How is this courtship process supposed to work?

I guess they’re trying to find people rich enough to fill their coffers.

Blech. Just annoying.

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5 Responses to Something That Bugs Me

  1. MishaBurnett says:

    In my personal experience, I have never seen a relationship that involved one party relocating for the other that worked out well. I’m not saying that it can’t happen, simply that I’ve never seen it happen. The relocation puts a great deal of stress on both parties, and the initial distance tends to set up unrealistic expectations.

  2. Chad says:

    Unlike Misha, I’ve seen it work multiple times. Some by people that, as you say, can burn that money a little (but not much) in flights and trips. Some that don’t, but make it work anyway.

    All of the best ones were between traditional catholics. The ones I’m unsure of were between those that weren’t. It all depends on your ability to connect via phone or skype, your confidence in discerning their character, and if they are able to meet your physical attraction. Are there hardships? Yes. But not any that can’t be overcome.

    However, it certainly is not for everyone.

    • I mean the answer to the initial question is “Of course I’d move to find my wife.”

      I am entirely skeptical of forming any sort of real romance through a screen.

      • Chad says:

        I guess I never focused on romance, nor have i heard of others doing so either. Rather we focused on the faith, life goals, beliefs etc. Joking and laughing. I told my now wife thhat romance would come after marriage, and it has in small, simple ways.

        I suspect that it is the same with others that I know at my parish that have done the same, simply from their outward behavior.

        I’m with you on screens though, we courted via phone till she relocated back to where we now live (met there, she moved for work, and came back a few months later). But i also pace and keep too active while talking on a phone for a screen to work.

        Find what works for you.

      • Actually, thank you for this:

        I guess I never focused on romance, nor have i heard of others doing so either. Rather we focused on the faith, life goals, beliefs etc. Joking and laughing. I told my now wife thhat romance would come after marriage, and it has in small, simple ways.

        I intentionally talk very little of my personal life, because I really don’t like that being the center of other people’s discussions and I’m very much aware that putting it out there online makes it “fair game”, as it were.

        But this does help clarify some of my thoughts on this particular matter, and I appreciate that.

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